A talk about finding Truth and the meaning of salvation

Hey all,
It's been awhile. Almost too long, huh? I have this feeling that I should post on here more since I always have so much running around in my head and no where to release all these pent up feelings except through writing. Writing has always been my sanctuary.

Anyway, as you may have noticed from the title, and possibly run away from because you're afraid its going to be one of those "god talks" then you're right. This is exactly what this post is going to be about, so if you don't want to read, you can turn away now, but for those who are also curious and do want to find/discover God and his presence in your life, go ahead and keep reading.

So, here begins the background to this thought. Just the other day, my really good friend showed me these Youtube videos about this Asian guy who was talking about the kpop phenomenon, his life, and other really random things. He reminded me of the classic youtube comedian, albeit much less popular than the famous Kevjumba and nigahiga, but still refreshingly funny and witty. I enjoyed his sense of humor and he made me smile and laugh.

One of his videos struck me hard though. He talked about Illuminati symbolism and Free mason images in kpop and how there are so many things that the Korean corporations put into clothes, design, MV's, and songs that have marks of the Beast or another name for Satan. I didn't even think these so called "marks" even existed. After doing some more research, I found that there actually were many of these symbols littered everywhere. Is this simply a coincidence, or is something bigger happening? Something so big and monstrous that we can't even begin to fathom it?

After watching more of his videos, I found that he would always be referring back to Jesus Christ and God in our lives and how society is so corrupted and basically how we are all being deceived by Satan and his lies so we keep on sinning and sinning. Even self proclaimed religious people, (I myself am a proclaimed Catholic), would keep on sinning and asking for forgiveness and mercy from God, then sinning again, asking forgiveness and mercy again, and the cycle keeps on continuing. But he said this wasn't the truth. This wasn't what being truly saved felt like. If I was really a saved person, do I really have to keep asking for forgiveness? Do I become a righteous person in God's eyes if I accept that Jesus is my savior who takes away all of sins?

That's where the fear set in.

I have a notoriously vast and crazy imagination. So when I say fear, my mind can create things so scary that I want to hide from myself. Once I think about it, the fear drags me in so deep that I feel like I'm drowning in it and can't breathe. I psych myself out. That's why no horror movies for me. That would exacerbate it to a point that, oh goodness.... I don't want it to ever get to that state.

And then I thought to myself, why am I so scared of these things when I have God in my life? Shouldn't he protect me from this? Didn't I already ask for Jesus Christ to save me before from my sins? Am I not a saved person? Will I go to heaven still even after all I have done?

Religion has always been on and off for me. When I'm in the mood, religion is wonderful. But when my busy life just gets busier, religion seems to take the sidelines. And I wonder, why is that? Why is it okay in my mind to put away God on a shelf, admire him, pray to him, and proceed to sin like its okay because Christ has already forgiven me of my past, present, and future sins?

I couldn't think of any justification and I still can't think of any reason why I chose to be that way. Maybe its the Devil playing tricks on me? Maybe I'm just tricking myself with my own deception?

That's why faith is so tricky. Even as a Catholic, I am a skeptic. I don't believe everything the Catholic church believes in. Mostly I believe in a relationship with God and believing that Christ saves all who come to him, but with my track record, am I really saved? What does it feel like to be truly saved?

I feel as if a person who was truly saved wouldn't be saying the types of things I'm saying right now.

So thus I am off to find the truth. The real truth. I feel as if I have been fighting an emptiness in my heart for a long time- all these bouts of depression, hopelessness, sadness and everything miserable in my life has accumulated to this quest. I need to find God again and his grace. I have been lost and always making excuses and pushing God away even when I didn't think I was. I was putting God in the backseat and not even realizing it.

Even though I have always believed in God and his word, as well as Christ Jesus, I feel as if I haven't been LIVING in his truth. I've just been in the masses, ashamed of my God because of the criticism and hate from the people around me. I was scared and still am scared of what people think. I don't want to be called a "god freak" but as a Christian and Catholic, or more simply put, a believer in Christ, I should feel no shame. I should preach the word of God.

Maybe finding a balance between all of this is the way, but really, I am just as clueless as the next person.

Yeah people have all these theories about how the earth really came about and all this scientific evidence, but for me, call me whatever you want, but there are just too many things in the world, too many beautiful and wondrous things that can only be made by a higher being. People will always have doubts for what they can't see or what is not tangible in front of them. But that's what faith is essentially. And I am a believer. I am a sinful believer that wants to be saved from myself and all the deception because I want to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven to be with my Father.

Finding my way there has been a difficult journey indeed. I have sinned so much, granted that I haven't committed something so grave like murder and never will, but looking back on what I have done makes me so ashamed of myself. I can't believe I just gave up on God. All of my actions were giving up on God, and I didn't even think of it that way. Not going to church, not praying daily, disobeying God's commandments and his Word. I've been selfish, greedy, lustful. I've hated and despised, judged, ridiculed, cheated, lied, and stole things, cussed, and basically did everything wrong. What have I been doing?? My heart is just sitting there covered in darkness with so much sin. And my mistake was that I let it envelop and devour me, bit by bit, like a slow spreading poison that began to affect my mind.

I have also had much self doubt about my worth too. I've always had a problem with self acceptance- and that problem still hasn't gone away. I feel as if I always need someone to reaffirm that yes, you're good at this, really, and stop doubting yourself. As a college student, my grades mean everything and often times I judge who I am as a person to my grades that I earn. I know it's wrong, but I do it anyway. I just can't help myself. I really hate when I'm like this- so desperate, with the feeling of loneliness everywhere around me with seemingly no escape.

Even after this long post, I still don't know what I'm going to do. But since I don't know when I'm going to pass away or when the world's going to end; could it be now or perhaps I will never see it in my lifetime, but I want to be prepared. I don't want to stand on Judgment day and not have done a single thing with the life God has given me.

I think in a sense, everyone is trying to find the truth. The truth that makes sense to them, the truth that reaffirms what THEY believe in. But what about the truth that makes up God's word? I feel like too much religion bashing is based off of people trying so desperately to defend what they think is logically correct. But, think about it, how is faith even logical? Logical is not a word that can describe faith. Faith is intangible, vast, amazing, and can't really be understood with textbooks or the highest knowledge on Earth. Because, God can't be categorized or can't be thought about on the human level. Because He is God. And that's that.

Okay, so I know this post is SUPER long and exhaustive, and I'm not even sure what I wrote, but all I know is that I need to start now to reassess my life and reestablish the faith in God within me. Maybe then will I find the truth I have been desperately searching for my entire life. If I seek, God will find me.

And I know all of this sounds so bizarre to nonbelievers and all, and I respect and won't comment on what other people believe, but I just wanted to share what I know and my doubts and fears. I'm no expert on the Bible: I don't know any of the verses or all of the saints and prayers that I should know as a Catholic. But what I do know is that I want to find God again in my heart and not stray from his path anymore. I want to turn over a new leaf and really look at my life. Why wait to search? You can't wait and wait and wait and then when you're wrinkly and old or before you die say you believe in God and want to be saved. I don't think it really works like that. God can see if you're sincere or not since he's God and that's all there is to it.

Anyway, writing it here like this has been really helpful in getting this off my chest. I feel like I'm going on an adventure, but more like a journey to go back to my God. Hopefully, whoever reads this will be able to relate, maybe?, but more importantly, see how God works in your life and how much you do need Him. Faith in God is going to save me again, and no, this is not a phase that once I complete will go away and I'll return to be myself. This is the real deal for me. I am officially going on a journey to find God again in my life and I hope that all of you out there, those that maybe got something out of this or even those who didn't, will be able to one day find the love of God.

Feeling a little out of it

I don't even know how it's April already. The months fly by even quicker than I remember. 

As spring semester draws to a close, I find myself in one of those moods where I feel like I've lost my purpose in life and don't know where I'm going. I'm having to make a lot of tough decisions especially since I'm ending my sophomore year and heading into more specialized classes. Turning back is no longer really an option. Choices must be made. My grades are what they are: permanently etched onto cold transcript paper, staring condescendingly back at me. 

On some days, I feel like a machine- cold, unfeeling, lacking life and vitality. I've become a person who only craves results. Good grades doesn't mean celebration; it merely means that I must work even harder to maintain them. Poor grades means beating myself up and working myself to death. It's as if my grades have become the dictator of my mood. And then I wonder, "Did Berkeley make me like that? Or is this all a manifestation of my mind?" 

Of course, I realize that everything I feel is entirely conjured 100% by me. You want to blame someone or something for your troubles; anything but yourself. You can't admit that you have limitations. I know I certainly feel this way. College puts you in that atmosphere where you don't judge yourself by how you're doing in the class, but rather how you do compared to your peers. If you do as well or better than your peers, your mood lightens and you feel like you can do anything. If you do poorly compared to everyone else, you feel like complete shit. Depression and anxiety take over, you start acting out and you feel like you want to pull down everyone to your same level so they know how it feels. You complain to everyone. You crave attention and want people to sympathize or to hold you by the hand so that you get through it somehow. 

Well, guess what? The truth hurts but it must be said: Other people should not be the main source of your happiness. YOU should be the source of your own happiness. 

The reality is, everyone in the world is stressed about something, not just you. In fact, everyone always feels like their life is so dramatic but when everything is boiled down, you're really just a minuscule dot in the whole scheme of things. But your minuscule dot, no matter how small, is still apart of the whole. The dot still has to be there to complete the picture. YOU are worth something, even though it may not be apparent all the time. I believe everyone has a purpose. I admit I am a flawed person: I judge, I hate, I gossip, I harbor negative feelings toward others, I get jealous, I get selfish, I get frustrated and stressed when things don't go my way. 

But that is really what it means to be human. 

I know I write many things that seems contradicting. But the truth of the matter is, I'm still fighting, just like everyone else in this world. I'm fighting to create meaning and purpose in my life when all these other things, these roadblocks, are getting in my way. There are so many things in my head that I try to make sense of, but nothing comes. Nothing comes along to save me and help me figure out the answer immediately. 

But that is what it means to struggle. Struggling is part of the natural progression of life. You aren't human if you haven't suffered. Only when you know and have survived the struggle can you truly understand what joy means, what fulfillment means.       

Right now, trudging to school, day by day, and feeling horrible about myself almost on a daily basis makes it seem like life has no purpose. But when I occasionally sit down and think about the future, as I am doing now, I come to the realization that the struggles in your life and those experiences you get out of them make you stronger. They make you strong enough to fight for yourself and to carve out your own happiness instead of waiting for some miracle to happen. 

So next time you feel down or you feel as if your life has no purpose, remember that you living and breathing and forming meaningful relationships with people is the epitome of life. You are given life to live it. Life can't be easy. If it was, it would lose its meaning. So go out, stop moping, and start living! (I'm telling this to myself too as I'm wrapping up this post!) I promise you everything will be alright in the end.  

When you get what you want, how come it doesn't always feel good?

Hello again to all of my two readers! I'm sure you've missed me dearly.

Winter break flew by (as all holidays do) and now I'm back in school and already overwhelmed like crazy. I'm doing research, my job, and school as well as trying to maintain a decent diet free of gluten and a somewhat active social life (this one is in progress...).

Anyway, I was thinking today: "Why do you sometimes feel unhappy even though you get what you want?" You may be thinking, "wait.. if I get what I want, isn't that a good thing? Why would I not want what I want?" Well, it turns out that its not as simple as that.

Today, I had a pretty long day starting at 8am (so waking up at 6am) until 930pm for late lab. I was getting frustrated and frankly a bit moody. Now, at times like these when I'm feeling all weird and in the pondering-about-life-and-the-universe mood, I'm always wondering, "If I was just a little bit smarter, I would get this concept." or "If I was a bit prettier, I would get more guys to notice me" or "If I hung out with better friends, maybe I wouldn't be so depressed and bitter at the world."

And when I get in this kind of mood, I start thinking about all the things in my current life that I can change quickly and see if I can get some kind of positive result.

So, I studied and read ahead of time for class, went to every office hour, attended every lecture, worked every homework problem.

To be prettier, I went and got contact lenses after wearing glasses for 8 years of my life. I went and bought new clothes, make up, shoes, and accessories.

To be less depressed, I started to think that I shouldn't hang out with the people I have been hanging out with because I thought they were the ones that were making me feel the way I did.

Well, the result? As you might have guessed, I wasn't successful in most of my endeavors.

Even though I prepared for class ahead, my mind was still slow and it seemed like everyone else got the concept faster than me, better than me, understood it easier. I was the one catching up.

Even though I thought I always looked better without glasses hiding my face, now I think my face looks bare and unnaturally white with all the new makeup.

Even though I stopped spending so much time with my current friends, my mood and outlook on life didn't change the way I wanted.

So what went wrong??

When the truth hits, it hits hard. The realization that everything negative I thought about myself was entirely conjured up by MYSELF was hard to accept but easy to see. I was the culprit of my own unhappiness. I made myself feel the way that I did. I got what I wanted, yet I was unhappy.

The thing is is that no matter what you want and no matter what you do, you will always still be yourself. You may have a new look, new friends, better study habits, but you're still you. So, embrace yourself, love yourself, be confident and accept who you are. You can't always be the best and you can't always win. But when you are and when you do, enjoy it! Enjoy what you can accomplish with your own hands, and work on the things that pose as challenges for you. That way, when you get what you want, it will have been worth all the effort.